Sunday, March 15, 2015

Creating A New Normal

The other day, my oldest daughter and I were driving home from town.  We were talking about my know, the one that I can't seem to stop gushing about?  Well, we were talking about  the type of couple that he and I are.  Yes, we are THAT couple.  The kind that can't stop touching each other.  The kind that look at each other with pure, amazing, blatantly obvious, love.  The kind that has a million inside jokes.  The kind that separates people around them into two groups - those that love them, and those that are nauseated by them.  They either have it, or want it....or have no idea what "it" is.

I have always wanted it.  Dreamed of it.  Prayed for it.

I was married for 14 years.  I never had it.  My life wasn't horrible, don't get me wrong, but when you have spent your entire life searching and praying for something and you end up in a marriage that doesn't even drive by the neighborhood that it's in, it's not fulfilling.  But you learn to adapt.  You learn to accept that this is your "normal".

But...I daughter and I were talking about my new relationship.  I asked her if it made her uncomfortable.  Right away she said yes.  She then clarified it by saying, "At first.  But not because I don't like him, mom.  It made me wish that I had the same thing with someone."  She then went on to tell me about the parents of one of her best friends...they are apparently very affectionate and loving with each other all of the time.  Something that her dad and I were not.  She always would think that her friend's parents were so strange.  "Don't you think that is strange?", she would ask her friend?  but no, her friend knew no different.  To her it was normal.

Now, my daughter sees my beautiful love and I, so in love, wanting the whole world to see it.  We laugh, hold hands, kiss, call each other baby.  She sees how natural it is.  She sees how beautiful it is.  I have told both of my girls, "Don't settle for anything less than the type of love you dream of - it is real, and worth the wait."

Do you know what has happened?  I have created a new "normal" for her.

Isn't that a beautiful, amazing, thing?

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Why My 40's Are My Best Decade Yet

Yesterday was my 44th birthday.  Approaching it, I was feeling kind of unsure.  That's how I roll...the "big ones"  don't freak me out, but damn, those random, mostly insignificant ones do.  It came and went and turned out to be a day filled with gratitude and blessings. 
I found myself thinking a lot about what each decade has meant/represented to me....

My first decade.  Looking back, these years, for me, were about my imagination. I loved to play with my stuffed animals and to make up songs. I was never one to say "I'm bored" - I'm still not - I was always content with my own company. 

Teens - Good God.  These were brutal years. I think, even if I could go back armed with the knowledge that I have now, I still wouldn't do it. Being a teenager is freaking hard. And sucky. And painful. These years taught me that it was perfectly ok to march to the beat of my own drum. I was ostracized, poked fun of, and sometimes misunderstood, but I was never a follower, and that is something I am proud of. 

20's - Ahhhh the crazy years when we think we are all grown up and have all the answers.  Could anything be farther from the truth?  I wish I had spent less time in bars, and more time seeing the world.  To me, this is what the 20's should be for....learning that the little universe we created for ourselves during, and immediately after, high school is merely a drop in the bucket.  Seeing how people live around the world.  Building our empathy and expanding our figurative and literal horizons.  I got married and had my first baby in my 20's.  So young. So scared.  But it changed my life in ways I never imagined.  

30's - I have often said that the only two good things to come out of my 30's, were my second amazing daughter, and that I stopped smoking.  True story.  I suffered for a portion of this decade with severe depression.  I became infected with West Nile Virus.  Weight issues, health issues....seriously, not my favourite decade.  Looking back, however, I can see the gifts in most of those things.  My 30's taught me to be brutally honest with myself.  They taught me that being an adult was totally over rated.  They taught me my capacity for love. 
The 30's are, to me, the growing pains of our adulthood.  If you've already lived through them, you know what I'm saying.  If you haven't yet, brace yourselves. 

40's - In true personal style, I was more freaked out about 35 and 39 than I was to turn 40.  After my shit-show of a previous decade, I was more than ready to bring on a new one.  This one has 
presented it's own personal trial already, with the ending of my marriage, but I can honestly say, hands-down,  that this, so far, is the decade that has positively impacted my life, and the life of my daughters, the most.  We have grown closer, individuals and as a family.  I have discovered gifts and strengths in me that I didn't know I had. I look better than I have in years.  I am being loved in ways that I have only dreamed of in my a man whom I am loving in ways he has only dreamed of too.  I am ME.  I am confident, and an introvert.  I am silly, and introspective. I am driven and laid back. 

 I feel like all the crap and drama and pain of those decades prior, was to make me the bundle of awesomeness that I am today.  I guess that's what our 40's are for...they finally give us the clarity and ability to look back and say, "Ohhhhhh THAT'S why that happened."
I am only 4 years in and I've gotta say, I am loving this one.  I can only imagine how amazing the next decade will be.

Namaste y'all...

Friday, January 2, 2015

...And Another One's Gone

Here it is, 2015.  There were times that I seriously doubted I would make it through 2014, but, by the grace of God, I did.  I sit here now, happy, content, a heart so full of love that I fear it may burst, and it is now that I feel like I have the courage to really look back on last year...

My foray into the online dating world continued.  I forget how many dates I went on.  Most of them only first dates.  It was hilarious, eye-opening, humbling, an made for great writing material.  It crushed my spirit, and left me doubting if I really was ever going to find love again.  It also reinforced my belief that no one crosses the path of another by accident.  I spent many hours just simply being there and listening to those whom were on the same path as me, looking for love, wanting to be wanted.  I had my hopes lifted up, and then watched as they came crashing down around me.  It is a brutal world, the online dating world, and is definitely not for the feint of heart.  I am grateful for the experience, but even more grateful to be done with it.

Throughout the course of the year, I was faced with personal demons that I had thought were long gone.  But there they were, right in my face, and I had no choice but to do battle with them.  What I ended up learning, though, was that fighting them was the last thing I needed to do.  What I needed to do was to sit with them.  Examine them.  Feel them fully.  Acknowledge them.  Understand them.  Then, and only then, was I able to finally and fully release them with gratitude and love.  This only happened a couple of days before the end of the year.  The months prior were emotionally taxing, exhausting, humiliating, maddening...there were times when I questioned my sanity and my own strength to go on.  But I made it.  I actually made it.

I discovered things about myself that I had no idea I even possessed.  I learned that I had a capacity for forgiveness that I honestly didn't know was there.  I had a love awakened inside of me that I had never experienced the true depths of before.  Amongst these beautiful things, I was battling these emotional demons....can you imagine the chaos that was creating inside of me?  It was exhausting.  

I had set a personal challenge for myself to step outside my comfort zone and test my personal limits and I believe I did that in spades.  How many of us really and truly sit with the darkest, ugliest parts of ourselves and really look at them?  Not only that, but to be able to release them finally with gratitude and love?  That, to me, is amazing.  It is something that I had no idea I was capable of.
In the emotional hurricane that was happening in my life, I had abandoned my own practice of gratitude and my daily meditation.  I felt so disconnected from myself and my spiritual side.  It was only when I recognized that, and when I began again my gratitude practice and resuming my conversations with God, that everything began to come into focus.  Of course!  I am so glad that I learned that very valuable lesson.

Although those giant challenges and triumphs are a huge part of what I'm so grateful for from 2014, hands-down, the biggest gift of the year was the gift of the most amazing love I have ever known.  A man who loves me so much that it literally moves me to tears.  He makes me laugh, makes me cry, makes me weak in the knees.  He has a heart that is simply awe-inspiring and a spirit that shines so bright,  I swear that I can see it.  The fact that we made it through all of the demons that we battled both together and alone, tells me that we have only amazing, beautiful, things in store for us, together.

My theme for 2015 is joy.  I plan to embrace it, surround myself with it, and spread it wherever and whenever I can.  It really is as simple as noticing a beautiful sky, or laughing with my daughters, or looking at my love...those things always fill me with joy.

I am so excited for the new year that is going to unfold.  It is going to be amazing...I just know it.

Happy New Year to you all.  Please share in the comments your own personal themes for the coming year!

Friday, October 10, 2014

The Sun Always Comes Out

Sixteen years ago right now, I was getting ready for my wedding.  I was excited.  Not nervous at all.  It was a beautiful evening ceremony.  The church was decorated with pumpkins and harvest bounty.  Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and Autumn is my favorite season.  Perfect.

Well, everything has a season, and when the purpose for that season is finished, the energy in that situation shifts, and it's done.

Anyone who has been reading my blog has been with me on these last two years.  They have been filled with sadness, rage, despair, hilarity....filled with sad anniversaries, amazing revelations, online dating ups and downs, the loss and shift of many different relationships in my life.

I have a few people in my life right now who are fighting their own battles in their lives.  They are  frustrated, beaten down, sad, angry....I know those feelings.  I have lived those feelings.

....and I made it through to the other side.

It is for those who are fighting those battle whom I write this today.  The sun always comes out.  There will always, always be storms in our lives - that is the path we have chosen for ourselves before we left that perfect Heaven to come back to Earth.  They are how we grow.  How we learn.  All of our battles and lessons are unique to us, but they all share the common thread of teaching us what we need to know in order to be our very best selves.  This is what I have learned so far....

I have learned that it is so important to ask for help....and to accept it when it is given, with grace and gratitude.  I have learned, with this amazing help, that all of my feelings - good and bad - are my normal.  They are essential for my growth.  Be with these feelings people!  Sit in them.  Acknowledge them for what they are.  Denying them only prolongs the agony and the eventual sunshine.  Sit with them, but do not let them overstay their welcome.
Far too often, too many of us get a little too comfortable with those bad feelings because the thought of change is too scary.  You are only hurting yourself, and sometimes, those who love you.  Once you are at a place of calm acknowledgement for whatever you are feeling, it is then time to release it with blessings.  

I am proof of that.  

Do I have my sad days still?  Of course I do...I took my marriage vows very seriously.  BUT, the growth and learning that I have done since this horrible occurrence has been a gift that has changed my life for the better.  I am grateful for every tear, every angry thought, every "why me?", because it has brought me to this moment....and boy, is that sun ever shining.

To my friends - and even those whom I have never met - you WILL make it.  You will come through on the other side of this and be stronger, wiser, and more in love with life.  I promise you.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014


Do you believe it is possible to fall in love with a person you have never met face to face?

I don't know that I ever put too much thought into that.  My online dating history is based primarily on initial physical attraction - if I like the way they look in their profile pic, then I will look closer.  That's how the entire system works.  It's Pinterest for dating.  I do think that I am an anomaly online in that I answer every message that I receive.  That sometimes gives men the wrong impression, but I'm always quick to make it clear if I'm not interested in them, in as kind a way as I can.  I've messaged men and have been completely ignored and it's a terrible feeling, I don't want to be the one to make someone else feel like that.

I was still recovering from a big ole dose of man reality.  I had my profile hidden.  I was sad, disenchanted, and didn't hold out much hope.  More out of boredom than anything, I decided to bring my profile out of hiding.  I began receiving messages almost immediately.  One of them was a funny response to my profile headline.  I love funny so I  messaged this one back.  Understand that this was purely for entertainment purposes.  I was neither looking, nor at all interested in putting my heart out there and being hurt again.  Of course I would eventually, but not yet.

From the first day this man messaged me, he made me laugh out loud.  I would wait, refreshing my page, for his replies.  Literally from the time I opened my eyes in the morning, until I closed them at night we would be in contact.  Any topic.  When I wasn't reading his messages or typing my own replies, I was thinking about him.

Did I mention that I didn't know what he looked like?

He did send me a photo and in a dumb-ass move when I was mass purging my inbox, I accidentally deleted it....and then proceeded to empty out my deleted items box before I realized what I had done.  Ugh.  Of course I asked for another one.  Having a memory that has seen it's better days, I really couldn't remember what he looked like.  He kept putting it off, I'm sure, because he was certain that I wouldn't find him attractive.  But that didn't matter at this point.....did it??  I mean, I was crazy about this guy.  Smitten.  Falling hard and fast.  Would it matter what he looked like?  Was I that shallow??  Honestly, I was afraid that I was.  He knew what I looked like, because my online profile was loaded with photos of me.  

We made plans to spend Canada Day together.  I got cold feet at the last minute and those plans got cancelled.  I still didn't know what he looked like.  This man who meant so much to me.  This man who started my days with a "Good morning beautiful" message, and sent me to dreamland with a "Goodnight sweetheart. xoxo".  Were my feet cold because I was afraid of what he looked like or that I was a horrible, shallow person?  Truthfully, both.

We made plans a second time.  Meeting for ice cream.  This time I was excited.  Confident.  I knew that my feelings would go beyond anything I may or may not see at DQ.  Well, I was pretty sure....

The moment of truth arrived.  I saw his SUV before I saw him.  Closer...getting closer...Oh God, he's almost to my car...
WHEW!!!  He was adorable.  

Now you have to understand....we knew each other intimately, yet had never met in person.  We were strangers, yet we were far from strangers at this point... I had never felt closer to anyone.

Our meeting went amazingly well.  I was instantly comfortable with him, and although he was nervous, I soon put him at ease.  It was so different being able to speak face to face.  It was easy, fun, we had amazing chemistry.  Feelings continued to grow at an unbelievable pace. we are.... 3 1/2 weeks after initial contact.  We are both crazy smitten with each other...and this all happened, for me, in writing.  The in-person meeting just confirmed it.  I am not making any future plans.  I intend to just enjoy every single day and be as present as I can.  Regardless of what happens with us, this has been an amazing gift from the Universe for me.  I have learned much about myself.  Mainly, that when I least expect it, the most amazing things can happen.

I just may get the hang of this "life" thing yet.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Spring Cleaning

Wow!  Shame on me!  I have missed my last 3 post days.  It's not that I don't have anything to say...haha, surely you jest...I always have PLENTY to say!  I guess I haven't been able to sort through my things to say in order to put fingers to keyboard and send it out to cyber space.

So, in the interest of the chaos within, I give you my brain, and the myriad things occupying it:

- still pining over dude from my Unconventional Ways post (and you all thought it was fiction...).  Hard to put this one into words.  Let's just say that all things point to the Universe telling me I haven't finished with that chapter yet. No, I haven't seen him since..heard briefly from him.  It's a sad, possibly pathetic, scene...

- my girls are wrapping up their school year.  Awards banquets, parties,'s a very crazy time of year.

- my *gasp* 25 year high school reunion.  I know, I know, how can I be going to a 25 year reunion when I am merely 25 myself??  It's a question for the mystics....

- rain, rain, rain...

- my house is a disaster area.  I hate making suppers.  My yard is a mess.  Being a grown up is totally overrated.

- more work clients coming in - YAY!

- I briefly un-hid my online dating profile for a few days...literally inundated with messages.  Great for the ego, yes, but 90% of them are so far from my taste profile that it's laughable.  A couple, very or two, very handsome and charming.  Alas...see my first item on this list...*sigh*

- Ok, this one is hilarious...last year, way back when I first started this online odyssey, there was a man whom I saw and immediately lusted after.  I actually got up the nerve to message him and it was a freaking disaster.  Truly.  I was a dolt.  You know that scene in Dirty Dancing where Baby finally meets Johnny?  He says to his cousin, "What's she doing here?" and Baby, just wanting to talk to him says "I carried a watermelon!"...then awkward silence....afterwards she is mortified, saying to herself, "I carried a watermelon?!?" ....yeah...that's pretty much how I was with this guy.  It was a train wreck.  He was so kind, although I'm sure having a good laugh at the big loser who just attempted to charm him - and failed epically.  Well, once in a while we would say hey - after I begged him for a do-over - and that was that.  Somehow, now we are good friends!!  We text every day.  He is heartbreakingly handsome, and I tell him that pretty much on a daily basis...we flirt shamelessly with each other, but it's all in good fun.  Isn't that just the way it works??  haha!!  Carry those watermelons girls!!

- mantras.  I'm saying them daily.  I've always said how powerful our minds are, but have never tapped in to the whole mantra thing until very recently.  Now, I say them daily - often times throughout the day.  I really like the positive dialog with myself, and it has made me very much aware of the way I think and talk to myself.

- Orange Is The New Black, season 2...I waited FOREVER for this to come out!  It came out on June 6, and I had that baby finished by June 9.  Now, I wait....again.

- popcorn.  Is it terrible, that at 43, I still find it a totally acceptable meal for myself?  I would never allow my girls to do that, but isn't that the perks of being an adult?

..and finally...

- Starbucks.  I love Starbucks. I wish my small town of 350 people would get one.

Whew!  That feels MUCH better to get that all out!  Now I have made some space for new thoughts to come strolling can see how it has been chaos in there.  Nothing like a little Spring cleaning.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Out Of My Comfort Zone - Part 2

Hi everyone!  Believe it or not, I didn't miss posting a blog yesterday, I just posted on my travel blog rather than here...
Head on over and check it out!